Pain and Peace

I quit my job at Joann's this week on the pretense that I needed to finish my online class faster, but in reality it was because it was painful to be at work everyday.  It hurt to see so may pregnant women or mothers of newborns gushing over the cute projects they were working on for their new babies. To be honest I felt a little jealous of what they had.  I felt left out from the group, like I don't belong.  That has always been my dream from the time I was a little girl, to be a mother and stay home and raise them.  I don't blame them, they should and have every right to be ecstatic about their child and how they are going to decorate their nursery and the darling outfits they will make for them.  

So please don't be offended if I am not jumping for joy with you as you announce your pregnancy, or when I am not there for you when you first have your precious newborn baby, or when I close off around you because I can see your beautiful swelling belly with child.  I am not meaning to be rude, I am just hurting deeply inside and trying to protect myself from more pain.

When we first started trying to get pregnant I honestly did not know it would hurt so bad.  I did not know something that is not physical, like a broken arm, could hurt so much.  I have heard before that infertility and miscarriage can be equated to the amount of grief you feel when someone you love dearly passes away.   

A few weeks ago we had Stake Conference and one of the speakers asked all the women who were mothers currently or were pregnant to stand up and she thanked them for following the commandments and being righteous enough to bring children into this world.  That crushed me.  A lot. I felt singled out.  I felt she was essentially saying that those who did not have children were not being obedient or  righteous enough.  I know she had good intentions and she didn't mean to hurt anyone, but it hurt me a lot.  After the meeting I went home and broke down and sobbed gut wrenching tears because it hurt so bad not to be holding or pregnant with a baby.  I wish I could say that is the first time that has happened, but it definitely isn't.  

I sometimes feel like everyone else is moving forward with their lives, everyone except me.  I just feel stuck.  Stuck in the childless group, the I-wish-so-bad-I-could-be-a-mother group.  

Though I did not know how much hurt this hardship could cause, I also never knew how strong the comfort and peace of God can be.  I know that when I choose to be happy, things are easier.  They are not perfect or fixed by any means, but they are easier because I am able to open my eyes to the blessings all around me and realize that life is not so bad after all, just really hard.   For instance, I have a wonderful husband who is so supportive of me and love me so much.  

I often find myself thinking that if I could just get pregnant, then I will be happy.  I am reminded by a talk given by Dieter F. Uchtdorf (Forget Me Not): 

"So may people today are waiting for their own golden ticket --the ticket that they believe holds the key to the happiness they have always dreamed about...There is nothing wrong with righteous yearnings--we hope and seek after things that are 'virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.'  The problem comes when we put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event--our golden ticket--to appear."

So, despite the fact that we do not yet have kids, I have to truly remember to "discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments" (Uchtdorf).

I love the line on the ticket that says "In your wildest dreams you cannot imagine the marvelous surprises that away you." I know that the journey to becoming a mother does indeed have marvelous surprises along the way.

One of my favorite excerpts from a talk is again by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  It comes from this past Women's Conference for the LDS church.  

"My dear sisters in the gospel, whether you are 8 or 108, there is one thing that I hope you truly understand and know: 
You are loved.  

You are dear to your heavenly parents. 

The infinite and eternal Creator of light and life knows you!  He is mindful of you.  

Yes, God loves you this very day and always. 

He is not waiting to love you until you have overcome your weaknesses and bad habits.  He loves you today with a full understanding of your struggles.  He is aware that you reach up to Him in heartfelt and hopeful prayer.  He knows of the times you have held onto the fading light and believed-- even in the midst of growing darkness.  He knows of your sufferings.  He knows of your remorse for the times you have fallen short or failed.  And still he loves you.  

And God knows of your successes; though they may seem small to you, He acknowledges and cherishes each one of them.  He loves you for extending yourself to others.  He loves you for reaching out and helping others bear their heavy burdens--even when you are struggling with your own.  

He knows everything about you.  He sees you clearly-- He knows you as you really are.  And He loves you--today and always!

He loves you not only for who you are this very day but also for the person of glory and light you have the potential and the desire to become.

More than you could ever imaging, He wants you to achieve your destiny--to return to you heavenly home in honor.

I testify that the way to accomplish this is to place selfish desires and unworthy ambitions on the altar of sacrifice and service.  Sisters, trust in the saving power of Jesus Christ; keep His laws and commandments.  In other words--live the gospel joyful."  

I love that this is so profound and personal to each individual.

This trial is so very hard for me now and I know it will someday pass.  I do now and will always remember Christ being with me every single step of the way.  I have felt so incredibly alone at times, yet so completely comforted knowing that He is right beside me always and forever.  We went to an Infertility Specialist about a month ago because we finally felt like that was the right step to take after more than 2 years of trying and failing.  It is scary going into the unknown, but also hopeful at the same time.

Pain and peace can coincide so perfectly it is almost as if they were meant to go together.  The times that my arms ache the most to hold my own precious child are the times when I can feel God envelope me in his love and peace.  At every hard meeting, place, or appointment I am at, I know he is right beside me holding my hand, reassuring me with his peace that things will work out the way they are meant to be.  I know that God only has our best interests in mind and his path is the path that will lead to the most happiness eternally.

One of my favorite quotes is from Jeffrey R. Holland he says, "don't you quit, you keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead.  Some blessings come soon, some come late, some don't come until heaven, but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.  It will be alright in the end, trust in God and believe in good things to come."

I was hesitant at first to post this because it is so real and so raw.  This journey is long and hard, but I know there is hope and happiness ahead as well as during the journey.