Hope is Never Lost

This is a bit of a personal post (and a long one, without pictures..), but it has been in my heart a lot recently, and I feel the need to share these thoughts.

Do you ever feel like you are the last one picked, second best, not worth it to get something even if it is a righteous desire?  I sure have felt this way in the not too distant past.  I have been thinking a lot lately about hope.  Hope truly is a beautiful thing, it sustains us in hard trials when we feel we can barely hang on.  Hope allows us to see that light at the end of our tunnel, no matter how far away that end may be.  Recently in my own life, I have felt like my hope was faltering.

I love children a tremendous amount and it is not really a secret that Stephen and I want children very much, but are having a hard time getting pregnant. I am not sure why and frankly it doesn't really matter why in the grand scheme of things.  I just feel ready and worthy to start my own family, yet it is not happening.  God's timing is a unique thing.  It is both reassuring and frustrating.  For one reason or another this trial was meant for me, for us, at this exact time.  It is frustrating and at times leaves me heartbroken with sorrow because I don't know when we will have children or how long we might have to wait.  It is extra difficult living in Provo where half the married female population is pregnant or has a newborn.  Every time I hear of another person pregnant, the pang of "why not me" jolts painfully through me and my arms ache to hold a precious child of my own.  I have struggled with this for many months and at times I have felt agonizingly alone.

Feelings of disappointment, hopelessness, discouragement, loneliness, unworthiness, hurt, envy, bitterness, anger have all passed through my mind and my heart when another month passes and I find out that I am again not pregnant.  But let me just tell you, you do not have to feel that way.  I know that this trial is what I need right now at this moment, though I don't know why and I wish I did not have to suffer so much.  I know that God is a loving God, he is not cruel or unkind.  He does want us to succeed and ultimately be happy, but he knows that in order for us to achieve the most growth and become like him, we must go through sore trials.  As President Monson said at the LDS Relief Society Broadcast a few weeks ago, "Your Heavenly Father loves you, each of you.  That love never changes...It is simply there.  It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful.  God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love.  It is simply always there."  I know that without a doubt, God is merciful and he deeply loves each of us more than we can ever fully comprehend.

People may tell you  "oh you haven't been trying that long, you are fine, just wait it out,"  or "just have patience."  People may also say something along the lines of "oh you've been married for two years, so when are you gonna have kids."  They don't mean to be hurtful, they don't know that you might be trying to have kids, just try not to be offended.  Just remember when you start to feel offended, say to yourself "now why would a good person do or say something mean to me on purpose."  No matter how long you have been trying to have children with no luck, whether is is 3 months or 3 years, it is still painful.

This trial is so hard, I know.  You don't have to be fine, I wasn't for a long time.  It is okay to hurt; to cry until you have feel you have no more tears.  I know that patience in this trial is so very difficult to keep a grasp on.  But I have also come to realize that patience is not just waiting grudgingly.  It is not waiting in agony for time to pass until something happens.  Patience is learning and discovering ourselves in a new light while waiting for what incredible blessings the Lord has in store for each of us.

Oftentimes I have felt that motherhood is my sole purpose in life.  I graduated from college back in April, had a dead-end mall job with not many hours, and struggled finding another one, and had already been married for 2 years; I felt like I had absolutely no purpose in my life.  I felt crushed and abandoned.  I prayed fervently, but seemingly to no avail.  I was very bitter and depressed for a few months and could not see the light.  Finally one day, I prayed and I felt peace and love so intensely that I felt completely enveloped in God's love for me.  I felt like he told me "hold on, the light will come, you will be blessed so abundantly for your patience, I love you so very much, don't give up, don't lose hope."

Through this sore trial I came to know my Savior better.  I learned to align my will more fully with his.  When the timing is right, I trust that the Lord will bless us with children.  Aligning my will with his has opened my eyes to all the blessings and opportunities in my life right now.  His plan for me, and for each of us is perfect in every sense.  That is a beautiful thing to know.  It may not be want we wanted or what we maybe hoped or dreamed for, but it is the life we chose to live long ago.  I know that the way my life is going is His plan just for me.  As I struggled month after month I began to realize that God is the one in control, we make choices that alter our path slightly, but he ultimately is in control.  If we let him talk the helm, rather than fight him for control, the sailing with go much more smoothly.  I still don't have everything I want or dream, but I do have peace and the unconditional love of my Savior for me, and I am beginning to find joy in my own journey now.

Stephen has told me before that if you think about life and all the things in it being a blessing, rather than noting all the things you don't have and focusing on them, then when we do have children it will just be an added blessing, and added joy in our lives, rather than something we are entitled to and bitter until we get what we want.

It is still hard for me.  I still feel the pain and sorrow and have a deep longing to have children of my own.  I still feel a pang of hurt when I find out yet another person that I know is pregnant, but I still am not.  But it is through the atonement of Jesus Christ, the sting of my pain is lessened.  I am comforted to know that hope truly is never lost.  God never ever gives up on us.  He is running right along with us, cheering us on the whole race and he will be there at the finish line with open arms to accept us, and say "well done, my good and faithful daughter (or son)."  He is our Father.  He is so very proud of each one of us.  And above all, he loves us unconditionally.

I loved Elder Holland's talk from this previous conference, I felt like it spoke to my soul.  I know that hope truly is never lost.  And as Elder Holland said "If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior's own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."  What keeps me going each day is remembering that God's plan for me is perfect and that every single thing that happens, every person I meet, every struggle I go through was meant just for me at just the perfect time.

Don't give up, hope is never lost.