I have a wonderful husband who always listens to me, or holds me while I cry. He is so hardworking for our little family. I look up to him so much, he makes me want to strive to be better. I am so grateful that I was able to get married at a young age so that I have a constant companion to go through my sore trials with. They are so much easier with a partner.
I am part of the most incredible church ever. It brings me such peace during such raging storms in my life.
I feel like most of the lessons and talks from this year come back to Faith. Faith in God. Faith that I can endure hard things. Faith that I will be blessed for my patience, not in my time, but in God's time. He can see my future, he knows all the incredible blessing that are in store for us. He has the ultimate perspective of our lives, I just need to lean on him and trust in his plan completely. I just need to always remember that Happiness is a choice I have to make.
Some days I just wish I could give up the fight for children, it is so hard for me. Emotionally is tears me apart. It is hard for me to see so many people around me who have been blessed with children, but we are still waiting. I really would do anything to have children. I am just lost as to what we are supposed to be doing. I don't know exactly what God is trying to teach me, but it is so hard for me to be continually going through the refiners fire and to have this never ending trial about patience and long suffering and learning to trust in my Savior.
I feel my purpose in this life is to be a mother and since I am not currently able to be that, I feel lost as to what my purpose is supposed to be at this time in my life. I have scoured my Patriarchal blessing. Dived into the scriptures, but I just feel stuck. I don't know what I am here to accomplish. Who I am to help. How am I to make a difference. I need a friend.
I love the scriptures in Ecclesiastes about a time for everything (Eccl 3: 1-4)
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven...a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance"
Life is hard, but if I just focus on the good and strive to find perspective in my trials, I know that I will be able to make it. I know that God is there for me every step of the way. I know that he loves me so very much and he just needs me to go through this trial to see the wonderful sunshine on the other side of the tunnel. I am trying to cling on to hope and have faith that my situation will change. I know that all "these experiences will be for my good" in the long run. But my eyesight is limited and I cannot see the outcome, so I just have to press forward with faith.
So although I have no idea where we will be living or what we will be doing in 4 short months or when we will be able to have children, or what my purpose really is, we have each other and I know that God is looking out for us.
Even though it may not feel like it, you are already on your way to having children. this is all just a part of your journey before you become a mother. so just keep doing exactly what you were doing- keep your faith strong, move forward with hope, try to lift others along the way, and keep asking God what you can learn from this right now. you are awesome! I wish there was more I could do to help. I do know for a fact that there are other sisters in our ward who struggle with infertility. I hope you don't feel alone. :)
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